


gouda answer questions

by karanguni



Category: Cheese (Anthropomorfic)
Genre: Cheese, Crack, Gen, Yuletide Treat, brain fondue, evolutionary biology eh, the cheese police
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 07:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8970766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karanguni/pseuds/karanguni
Summary: From the logs of the Mistress of Cheese, agony aunt to all and sundry who have problems, questions, comments, and/or complaints about our favourite coagulated milk product.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [baniszew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/baniszew/gifts).



> The more ridiculous, the better, eh, recip? Happy yuletide, then!
> 
> Opinions expressed within are those of the Mistress. Whether you choose to believe her is entirely up to you.
> 
> An incredible number of references and a vast amount of the magic here is the result of my three astounding betas/cheerleaders/partners in crime: Tana, Kat and Fram, all of whom will be co-authors at reveals.

## gouda answer questions

_... or ..._

_Slices of Wisdom from the Grande Fromage of Cheesy Advice, Miss Cheesious Herself_

 

_... also known as..._

... the logs of the Mistress of Cheese, agony aunt to all and sundry who have problems, questions, comments, and/or complaints about our favourite coagulated milk product.

* * *

 

**a cheap date**

_> dear miss cheesious, i have a date coming up tonight with someone i want to impress. would one of these cheese and cracker platters from the store be okay?_

You should probably throw yourself off a cliff before you serve one of those. Or, better yet, push your date off the cliff first - save yourself the embarrassment.

_> ??? i thought chicks found cheese and fruit romantic and shit._

"Chicks" find people taking the effort to do something "romantic." "Chicks" find a three dollar, thirty-day stale platter you bought off the cheap bin "shit."

_> i could only have had three bucks in my wallet you know. or something. maybe i'm poor!_

Then you wouldn’t be asking me this question and I’d be feeling a lot more sympathetic for you. Look: if you were asking because you wanted advice on _how to date people_ , I say: pick something you like. Doesn’t even have to be cheese.

_> i thought you were the cheese expert._

I am the cheese expert. And if you really want to blow someone’s underpants off, then sure: I can recommend you a[ raclette set ](https://www.amazon.com/Boska-Holland-Milano-Collection-Raclette/dp/B0017WDX3G)that you can use to gently melt some delicious eponymous raclette cheese onto artisinal bread - sourdough or a baguette by choice, or potatoes if you want to be more traditional - and _then_ it’d probably cost $80 and involve you running to Whole Foods and then two different speciality stores, and _then_ when you pull it off, you’re going to have to _keep_ pulling “that shit” off so that the girl/guy/person doesn’t think you were just trying to show off that one time.

_> er._

Showing off once in awhile is okay. Being not who you are is pointless. What’s your jam, young man?

_> weed? booze? both at the same time? netflix and chill?_

Then get some nicer booze, and buy some nicer weed, and find the Netflix you want to chill with _beforehand_. Good night, and good luck.

 

**eating on a student budget**

_> Are there cheese fondues? Asking because my friends want to have a party and someone said we should do fondue but I thought that was a chocolate dish._

There are more things on heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

_> Um… My name’s not Horatio? I thought this was anonymous…_

Alas, poor Yorrick, we referenced ill.

_> It’s not Yorrick, either…? What?_

Nevermind. So you want to know about cheese fondues. Very well: the fondue is the national dish of Switzerland, as declared by the Swiss Cheese Union in 1930. That's like saying a guild of chocolatiers once declared chocolate some country's national comfort food, but there you have it. It's generally consumed _moitié-moitié:_ half gruyère mixed with half _vacherin_ Fribourg cheeses. It's traditionally served in a caquelon that's kept constantly hea-

> _Hold up, there are too many nouns I don't recognise here..._

Okay. It's a whole bunch of cheese that you melt together. Toss in some garlic, maybe some wine or brandy, and dip bread and other stuff into it. Deliciousness in a bowl.

> _I don't have a caquelwhatever and that sounds... kinda expensive. Um..._

Get a pot, ask friends to split the cost of the cheese, then get creative with some tealights and two bricks and try not to burn your apartment down.

_> Sounds kinda fun, actually._

It is. Double-dipping etiquette still applies. Enjoy.

 

**okay so i have a problem here**

> _Dear Mistress, I've got a problem. One of etiquette? Maybe? So we're hosting the family for noche buena, and this year we're doing it potluck style because - it doesn't matter, long story. But we have potluck problems now._

Assign people items with very explicit instructions. Don't allow the enemy to flank you with surprising gifts of the same dish thrice.

> _Um, too late._

I was afraid you were going to say that. What part of this tragedy has to do with cheese?

> _So... There's my older brother, who's a pretty great cook. He makes an amazing queso flameado, right? And so he offered to bring that, which is great. But then my new and younger sister-in-law's put herself down on the official_ _[plinr](http://plinr.com) _ _that my brother didn't fill in because he's my brother for queso flameado as well._

Oh boy.

> _I know_.

This is tricky political maneuvering that you're going to have to do.

_> There's more. See, it wouldn't be that big of a deal if my sister-in-law's queso flameado didn't... Let's just say eating tupperware would be easier on your teeth?_

Ah. [Seized cheese](http://cooking.stackexchange.com/questions/24604/how-can-i-stop-my-cheese-seizing)?

> _Seized from the jaws of hell and put on the dining table, yeah. She very happily SMSed me to let me know she's going to make it out of_ _[nochebuena cheese](http://www.quesosnochebuena.mx/) _ _because, you know, it's nochebuena._

Ha. Ha. Ha.

> _Yeah._

Well then.

> _Mhmm._

So assassinating her isn't an option, I presume.

> _She got married to my younger brother in June. She's wonderful in every way and trying to make a good impression on Mami._

I get the sense that your mum is not going to think very highly of her cooking if she brings the Flaming Edible Tupperware to the table.

> _Yeah. Yeah._

Okay. So, time to invent a need. It's not lying: it's having a roundabout intervention to save your in-law from eternal embarrassment. Say you need some other dish prepared. Say you're dying of the plague and invite her over early to help you cook in your own kitchen, with your own ingredients.

> _Okay. Okay. I can do this._

You can do this. And tell your brother to buy Los Altos or Chilchota, they're the best.

 

**nobs**

_> Miss cheesy, what questions do nobby people ask you about cheese? I mean, do nobs know all the types of cheese by heart? How's it they figure one 10 quid block of the stuff from any other?_

Nobs don’t ask people questions.

_> ?_

You read me right. Nobs don’t ask people questions. Not normal people, anyway – nobs ask experts, or their friends. People-with-reputations. Or they look things up in books written by those people.

_> I mean, how is that different from asking you. Are there like, cheese people like there are wine people? Like... cheese chandeliers, or is it sommeliers?_

It isn’t. At the end of the day there’s no accounting for taste; after a certain point even the friends-of-the-nobs and the _[affineurs](http://www.chowhound.com/post/term-cheese-sommelier-correct-787566) _ can only say, this got made from milk out of the udder of a goat and it tastes good because reasons.

_> So… Nobby cheese isn’t that much different from not-nobby cheese, then?_

It’s a lot more expensive. Speaking [seriously ](http://www.seriouseats.com/2015/05/why-good-cheese-doesnt-come-cheap.html), there are chemical differences and costs that apply: how much does it take to get milk of a certain quality, how long does it take to turn that into what you want the end product to be - if we start in on how much certain bacterial cultivars cost, we're going to need another few hours, how many people do you need to make it, and how much money do you need to actually sell it to people. So yes, there's a difference. But how much it matters is entirely up to you.

 

**fuck you, i'm a bougie kid**

_> What's the most expensive grilled cheese I could possibly make?_

The sky's the limit, but if you're looking for the most expensive one you could _buy_ , try this [madman's creation](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3118362/You-won-t-brie-leave-New-York-restaurant-create-world-s-expensive-grilled-cheese-sandwich-214.html) composed of bread baked with Dom Perignon and some caciocavallo cheese. Caciocavallo silano is PDO, just in case you need some acronyms to back you up there.

 

**pooutine**

> _Dear Miss Cheese, I'm sorry in advance but I'm Canadian and I've got an issue with what Americans call "poutine."_

Preach.

_> IT ISN'T POUTINE. I'm sorry, but it's just - right? It's not just me?_

They call them freedom fries down there.

> They sometimes melt _processed cheese slices! DON'T THEY KNOW - sorry, don't they know it's meant to be made with cheese curds?_

No, they don't.

> _And that they're meant to_ ** _squeak?_**

 _Freedom_ fries. As in, they have the freedom to do whatever the fuck they want. Sorry.

 _> Maudit, keské ça, ac du fromage Kraft. C’est pas un tabarnac de cheeseburger, c’est pas un grilled cheese, c’est une poutine, oestie. Pis les frites, y sont comme des frites McDo, y goûte juste du sel, c’est dégeu en crisse, y’a quasiment pas de patate endans. Et tsé, y’a du monde qui ajoute d’la marde comme, genre, des avocats, ou du fromâge sans gras, comme pour faire semblant que c’est bon pour la santé. C’EST UNE POUTINE. Et ouais, on joue avec la recette içitte, mais on a maitrisé l’oestie de poutine de base, nous. J’mangerai peut-être une poutine italienne, ou, genre, une galvaude, et ma mémère elle aime ça avec du guacamole à la Banquise, mais en-d’sous y’a des frites et d’la fromage et d’la sauce comme c’est censé être._  
  
_J’ai vu des frites gaufrés dans une poutine, même. Calvaire. Y’a pas bon sens._

_[Fuck, the hell is that, with Kraft slices. It’s not a goddamn cheeseburger, it’s not a grilled cheese, it’s a poutine, fuck. And the fries, they’re like McDonald’s fries, they just taste of salt, it’s disgusting as hell, there’s practically no potato in them. And you know, there’s people who add shit like, I dunno, avocados, or no-fat cheese, like they want to pretend it’s healthy. IT’S A POUTINE. And yeah, we play with the recipe here, but we’ve mastered the fucking basic poutine, we have. I’ll maybe eat an Italian poutine, or, like, a galvaude, and my granny likes it with guacamole at La Banquise, but under all that there’s fries and cheese and sauce like there should be._

_I saw waffle fries in a poutine, even. Fuck. It’s ridiculous.]_

... you know you've been on [open mic](https://clyp.it/wer4kgmm), right?

> _... Sorry. Sorry, sorry... Not sorry!_

 

**no native cows in a globalised world**

_> should asian people eat cheese, you know?_

My friend, Asia is a big place.

_> i know, im asian._

So if you’re asking me if someone from a geopolitically defined region that takes up about, oh, more than a third of the Earth’s inhabited land-mass “should eat cheese”… I’m going to come back with “maybe.”

_> thats not helpful_

Which Asia are we talking about here.

_> chinese-japanese-korean people asia? idk_

You know what, I'm not even going to touch that with a long, long stick. Okay, kiddo, here’s the deal: there’s no “should” with cheese. Yes, there’s an increased likelihood that Asian people, by which I mean people-descended-from-groups-that-evolved-closer-to-the-equator, develop lactose intolerance, but that’s just how the cookie crumbles. Or, more accurately, how the [Earth being round](https://www.quora.com/Lactose-Intolerance-Why-do-so-few-Asians-consume-milk-and-its-products) affects the way people's ability to absorb calcium crumbles. Or, at least, how this particular evo-bio theory crumbles... This metaphor's now a dead and beaten horse, so I'll just move on.

_> i mean… okay. but there were no cows or cheeses native to places around where i'm from. so im thinking maybe i shouldnt be eating cheese because thats like… sometimes i feel it’s like mcdonalds and starbucks and american tv is everywhere now. it comes into my country and takes over and all the local stuff is gone._

If you’re wondering if cheese was a driving factor of economic imperialisation, I’m afraid that our good friend _fromage_ must stand in line behind other commodities like cotton, sugarcane, spices, slave labour... 

_> just because it’s one of MANY doesn’t make it OKAY_

I get that. But, look, the world changes as people meet other people. You’re typing in English; presumably you learnt that for Reasons To Do With The World Economy, too. Maybe you’re bilingual, I don’t know, but the point is that you don’t have to villainise one thing in order to preserve another.

_> maybe. but we have like 10000 kinds of cheese in our supermarkets and it feels like a takeover, people my age talking about BRIE and WHAT A WONDERFUL CAMEMBERT at parties_

They’re probably wrong about the camembert, but I sympathise. Maybe cheese just isn’t your jam. Rampant and ideal globalisation was always a pipe dream, at least while it still costs money to transport things and make things. To this day, things that cross borders tend to cross them in unfair, strange, and unusual ways. Look: eat what’s near you because that’s what you want to do. Eat because that's part of the fabric of your cultural heritage.

Let’s be real - if something's made far away enough from where you live, chances are that you making by hand it during some class or buying it from a grocery store’s expensive-items aisle isn’t going to automatically put those friends of yours any closer to being ~one~ with that culture. Or Culture, capital-C.

(Get it, culture? Get it?)

> ……

/sigh.

But people will do that anyway. They'll have their own reasons for doing it. You don't have to do the same thing. It’s food - you can politicise it, or you can put it in your mouth and chew. Both are possible. Neither is better. Neither is worse. Value what's valuable to you.

_> right. that makes sense. _

I hope you find a way to keep your traditions alive in a tough consumerist world.

Though I’ll also remind you that cheese is made from much more than just cow’s milk, and that certain regions that some parts of the world call Asian have cheese and cheese-like products. Chhena, paneer, kesong puti...

 

**HELP ME GOD**

_> GOD!!!_

Speaking.

 _> I MELTED MY _ [ _BRIE MELT_ ](http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/sugar-and-nut-glazed-brie-recipe.html) _. MORE MELTIERER THAN THE MELT SHOULD BE KIND OF MELTED._

Put it in the toaster oven too long, did you?

_> IT’S A SWIMMING POOL OF CREAM_

Walked away from it, I bet.

> _THE FRUITS AND NUTS ARE MEN OVERBOARD_

Thought you could finish up some other dish instead of paying proper attention to your cheese, eh?

_> HELP WHAT DO I DO_

Cry more.

_> IT WAS A TRIPLE BRIE_

Doesn't mean it's got three lives. Go out, buy another one, and set a louder timer this time.

 

**school me baby**

> _Dear Mistress, I'm looking for a domme able to give me the discipline I need to- oh fuck, you're not who I wanted to IM..._

No problem.

> _Er, you do cheeses, do you?_

I don't _do_ cheeses. Watch your tongue.

_> Yes, ma'am._

You like taking orders, do you?

_> ... Yes, ma'am._

Then follow these [cheese handling commandments](http://www.seriouseats.com/2015/06/how-to-store-and-slice-cheese.html) when you're serving your next mistress, and maybe you won't get disciplined.

 

**white collar crimes**

_> Hello. Would you be willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement covering all further conversation between us in order to facilitate a government inquiry?_

Well then. Which government?

_> Germany. It's standard procedure: we have an electronic copy right here. You can call our service hotline if you need independent verification._

I run an online cheese helpline. I think I'm good to sign an NDA.

_> Thank you. I've received the copy. Now: I'm Agent -_

Don't tell me your name, unless it's a code name. I feel like a spy and want to keep feeling like one.

> _... All right. Well, I'm an agent doing preliminary investigation into a case involving... maggots._

Cheese-omologist here, not entomologist.

> _The maggots were found in a very large container full of... I suspect it's cheese, but I'm not sure. Ergo the investigating._

Oh, you've run into some Sardinians, then. That would be [casu marzu](http://www.foodandwine.com/fwx/desperate-search-casu-marzu-sardinias-illegal-maggot-cheese) you have in your hands. Very valuable, if you can move it. Something like 400€ per hundred grammes, if you found the ri--

> _Move it?_

Uh. You know. Um. Move it. Into... a secure biohazard disposal unit?

> _Miss... Cheese. Have you ever been involved in or been privy to knowledge regarding individuals involved in the importing of food products that fail to meet the food hygiene health regulations of the EU?_

Wow, I think my Internet connection is hav- i-- n -- yo--- ur-- brea--ki---n--g u---p

> _Internet signals do not "break up", Miss- Miss...?_

/disconnects

I've got to find a better VPN, fuck.

 

* * *

 

The German _Käsespolizei_ (KPOL) _,_ having backtraced the IP address of the so-called "Miss Cheesious," were very surprised to find nothing in their raid on her location.

Well, maybe not _nothing_.

Still, the Inspector thought that it was very odd to have traced the IP down to a _cheese cave_. Not impossible, considering the source, but... odd. Especially since, at the end of the day, the KPOL team found no one: just one large wheel of gouda, resting in the chair in front of the sole - memory wiped - computer...

**Author's Note:**

> pooutine's amazing rant, recording, and translation courtesy of Fram. Bless you, Fram.


End file.
